Self-love is not Selfish

“Self-love” is being tossed around to describe political figures who demean others that is falsely connecting self-love to being selfish. The demeaning of people for one’s self glory is plainly selfish. To conclude the idea that self-love is therefore selfish, cannot be further from the truth.

What is Self Love?

Self-love is caring for your soul during your life’s journey. When you care for your soul, there’s a desire to give back and help others. Just like a hopeful expectant mother, she will care for her body, feed her body, which she knows nourishes her baby. She strengthens herself with good nutrients and exercise. Upon delivery, she gives with all her might to give birth to a new soul. Continually caring for herself strengthens her to continue giving to her child. Therefore, Self-love leads you to care for yourself, feed your mind, body, and spirit which nourishes your soul. The soul desires to give and is therefore, self-less.

Ideally, children growing up will have loving parents or caretakers who provide for them physically and lovingly nourish their soul with validation, acceptance and acknowledgement. This is the ideal role of the family, culture, and society. As the child grows up into adulthood, he/she will now provide for his/her own physical needs and will engage in self-validation and self-acknowledgement. The parent’s new role is to offer their grown child blessings. To offer blessings in various cultures is a prayerful act of sending God’s spirit.

The Constant Need for Validation Disempowers you

For some adults, receiving validation from others is more important than receiving blessings. If you find yourself in this space of needing validation and acknowledgment from others – so much so that you live by it, make decisions by it, and are wounded by it, I recommend investing in soul-care to nourish your self-love. Your desire for validation will put you in a position of weakness and you will see others as more powerful since they have what you desire. If you find yourself disappointed, hurt, or even mad for not receiving validation, then learning to love yourself is essential.

This is your life journey and it’s you who need to see yourself. Stop demanding that others see you as the center of their life’s journey.[i]

I understand this exaggerated need for acceptance and validation because I carried this tendency for most of my life. My earliest childhood memory is being pried out of my mother’s arms at the tender age of three years old. The purpose of improving our family’s fate from poverty was not a concept I could understand for why my parents left me and my sisters in the care of others. All I knew was that my parents were gone. Despite the reunion 2 years later, the memory of that moment was seared into my heart. This memory caused painful feelings of unworthiness and left me in constant need of validation.

The Key to Soul Care: Think Wizard of Oz

It’s a bit more than eating right and exercising. Soul care is where you venture into finding out your strengths, weaknesses, and confronting your fears. It’s uncovering your shadows, bringing them to light, and freeing yourself of the negative patterns you carry inside you. The classic children’s story, the Wizard of Oz tells such a story:
Dorothy and her 3 friends – the Tin Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow all have some things in common. Dorothy’s 3 friends all felt something was missing, leaving them incomplete and plagued with self-doubt. All of them, including Dorothy looked to the Wizard to help each of them get what they wanted. Their journey required them to overcome obstacles and deal with fears as they ventured to fulfill the mission of killing the wicked witch, instructed by the Wizard as a condition of giving them what they wanted.

They all forged onward and faced their fears despite the battle ahead with the wicked witch and some flying monkeys. They succeeded in the venture and became frustrated upon learning the Wizard’s deception that he could not give them what they wanted after all. Glinda the Good witch finally tells Dorothy the truth, that equally applies to her friends,  “You, don’t need anyone’s help, you always had the power”.

The Key process of soul-care

  • Requires the gritty work of uncovering parts of yourself that you have suppressed or may just not be aware of. You must undertake this because constantly seeking others to fulfill your needs and seek acceptance and validation will only lead to disappointments.
  • Like the grand old wizard, human beings are flawed. People are the center of their own stories with worries and dreams of their own. The Wizard having his own agenda, in the end disappoints because too much power was placed in him. In the end, he could not deliver.
  • The lesson each soul must learn is to look inward. Each of us has the capacity to provide the acceptance and acknowledgment you seek from others. Instead of expecting validation, be open to receiving a blessing.

Blessings is the key to remembering your Worth

My belief that “love is a choice” does not sound romantic to my young daughter. This lesson, I still hold close to my heart. It guides me and my husband through the struggles of autism and losses.

  • As I mentioned earlier, various cultural traditions offer blessings. This is a prayerful act of sending God’s spirit.
  • The spirit of God is loving, humble, and kind. His spirit is meant to give you comfort during your trials now living as an adult in this world.
  • In receiving you may offer blessings to others as well.
  • The blessing is meant to remind you who you are a part of. Your soul is connected to the Spirit. Spirit is part of God. God creates and is all things. God is in you.
  • You are worthy and always have been since birth.
My own soul care leads me to let go of the wounded child of my past. The memory no longer carries the weight of pain or feelings of unworthiness. The process of soul care awakens me to this grace: I am worthy, always have been. Take time to care for your soul with self-love because you are worthy, too.
Peace to you.
[i] Workshops, Live et al. “Reflections Online Institute-Caroline Myss”. Caroline Myss, 2018, Accessed 27 May 2018.
Remy Nirschl
—— About Remy Nirschl:
Remy is a writer, a mother to two wonderful souls, and a soul companion to her husband of nearly 25 years. Propelled into the autism journey in 2004 with the diagnosis of her son, this lead Remy to journey within as she experienced great losses and challenges. Trained in Caroline Myss “Sacred Contract”, this modality has given her the tools for clarity and empowerment. Remy is called into service as an Archetypal Consultant mentoring individuals in their soul journey.
Want to learn more about your other Archetypal Patterns?  Read more….

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